The non-returner: from desire to homelessness
An interview with Theravada Buddhist Monk Ayya Soma about her journey of transitioning from fashion journalism to monastic life
Thank you for being here! In the fourth edition of the Atlas newsletter, you will find a personal reflection about “The Design of Return” podcast fourth episode theme - the journey of the non-returner, with Theravada Buddhist Monk, Buddhist Insights founder and Empty Cloud monastery co-abbot Ayya Soma, formerly known as Italian Fashion journalist Giovanna Maselli; show notes; additional resources on the theme curated by Ayya Soma for #thelibraryoftransit.
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On enoughness
That January it was sunny in California.
There was not a trace of winter in the land of perennial glare.
The marble on my kitchen counter was black and copper.
I kept staring at it until I got lost, floating in its flakes.
It was then that a voice reached me as if coming from outer space.
“You are your own home”.
She whispered.
It was 2015, and I had the so called “everything”. An executive career, enough salary to pay for a cottage on the beach, a sports car parked in the garage.
I was living in Orange County, six thousand miles away from home in Italy and all I could think about was to go big, because I couldn’t know when that chance of showing I had made it would come again.
What the voice meant when she showed up was:
“You don’t need all of this”.
I didn’t need the kitchen facing a garden, buzzing with hummingbirds. I didn’t need the veranda with the fountain. I didn’t need the stone shower, the studio, another room, another expensive rent to prove I existed.
When she interrupted my plans of glory, I had a strong bodily feeling, like a warm balm was flowing through my veins. It would have been easy to lose her, to turn around and disappear on the couch and switch on Netflix.
A passing thought before another.
But it persisted.
I held on. I remember staring at the wall without really looking. Until it lost its significance, right in front of my very eyes.
What was once a well-earned reward, covered in a warm glow of satisfaction and desire, a well-earned pay back for anyone who ever thought I couldn’t do it or couldn’t be IT, became foreign.
In an instant, I took what felt like a revolutionary decision.
I ended the lease on my house. A friend of a friend was moving to a nearby town, and she needed furniture, so I sold everything to her and got rid of it in a week. I shipped the rest to Italy and decided I was going to try something new.
Living with enough, testing this idea that I could be home anyway, even stripped of that identity, stripped of the search for more.
I lived on the coast for a while as a nomad with a full-time job, keeping this mission a secret. It felt better that way, as if I was back in control of my own sense of belonging, instead of someone else’s.
I ended up living with two suitcases in the guest house of a cottage in Laguna Beach. One bed, one small table, one lamp. The toilet in close distance to the fridge. The shower facing the wardrobe.
When I opened my arms, I was all there.
Now I had nothing of what I was supposed to have come there for, and yet it felt like the everything I have always longed for.
The smallest space finally allowing for the bigger me to grow.
It took me a few seconds to embrace that feeling and act on it, but it might have taken longer for it to reach me. And it definitely took a few years once I caught it before it matured into other choices, like quitting my job and coming back to Italy.
What if the spark of enoughness is a necessary feat to a return to ourselves?
And how can we learn to be there to catch it?
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The Design of Return podcast Episode #4, “The non-returner” - Show notes
Today’s story is about Ayyaa Soma, formerly known as my friend Giovanna Maselli, who ordained as a Buddhist monk, leaving her former self as a fashion journalist behind.
Ayya is the co-founder of Buddhist Insights, a non-profit organization she created with fellow monastic Bhante Suddhaso, dedicated to making monastic teachings more accessible to the general public. Together they are also the co-founders and leaders of Emtpy Cloud, a gender inclusive monastery in New Jersey.
Ayya is the second Italian “Theravada” female monastic and one of seventy-five women in the western world who ordained as a Buddhist monk.
Her story of transit is one of non-return. In today’s interview we speak about her pursuit of happiness by elimination, her journey of transformation and belonging as a woman and the economy of generosity.
Listen to the episode here below, full transcript available for download here.
05:38 - The meaning of homelessness as a caretaker
07:16 - How not belonging anywhere activated her search for happiness
10:00 - The dissatisfaction of Fashion and the fallacy of desire in searching for the “one thing” that would make her happy
12:42 - Rockaway beach social utopia and community in New York, where nobody feels at home [therefore everybody is home]
15:08 - The difference between having a job and doing the work
18:01 – Finding Buddhism and changing the question
20:47 – The in-between life and decision to make external appearances reflect the internal appearances
25:06 – The connection between creativity and spiritual practice
26:40 – The call to ordain
32:50 – Taking on limitations: the story of the two Chanel bags.
35:11 – On the economy of generosity and why she can no longer open a fridge by herself
37:38 – Her new name as a monk as a feminist act
40:13 – Telling her family in Italy about her transition
43:15 – What surprised her the most in her journey: lessons in the wholesomeness of not escaping
47:02 – About how she realized she was a “woman” for the first time when she became a monk, not when she worked in Fashion
49:33 – Spiritual advice on creating “enoughness” in our busy, overconsuming lives
53:18 – The stage of enlightment of non return
#thelibraryoftransit
Ayya Soma curated this month’s library and resources to read, watch, explore about Buddhism, gender studies, forest traditions and meditation practice.
Buddhist Insights is a non-profit organization connecting people with monastics and Empty Cloud is a gender inclusive monastery right outside New York City. You can donate and support their educational programs, retreats and livelihood here and follow their teachings live here.
Read
Any books by Ajahn Chah and Ajahn Pasanno - freely available here
“In the Buddha’s Words” by Venerable Bhikkhu Bodhi - an anthology of the main teachings of the Buddha
“This precious life” by Khandro Rinpoche - a wonderful Tibetan teacher
“Mindfulness in plain English” by Bhante Gunaratana - a great introduction book to meditation practice
“Buddhism beyond Gender” and “Buddhism after patriarchy” by Rita Gross - a good reads if gender becomes an obstacle in your Buddhist path
Watch:
The Long Search: Buddhism, footprint of the Buddha - BBC documentary
Amongst White Clouds - Zen Buddhism documentary
The Buddha comes to Sussex - documentary
Muse, travel and get present:
Santa Cittarama, the first Buddhist monastery I went to . It’s close to Rome, in Italy
Ven. Robina Courtin is a Buddhist monk in the Tibetan tradition and one of my favorite teachers who inspired me to go forth
All the teachings of the Buddha translated in different languages
Theravada Bhikkhuni Monastery in Canada founded by Ayyā Medhanandi, one of my favorite Teachers
Nirodharam Bhikkhuni monastery in Thailand: stunning female monk temple in Chiang-Mai with many female monks who speak English fluently
Chan Buddhist lineage in Taiwan - with worldwide branches
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